This year has certainly been one to remember. There have been some of the highest highs and lowest lows, but so much learned along the way.
I am very aware that this year has been a challenge for everybody and I am very grateful for the way it has been for me, personally. The point of this blog post is to simply document some insight on my experiences and hopefully share some inspiration along the way.
Just the other day, the handle broke off of my favorite mug that I have used almost every day for the past several years. It's like a metaphor for this year: the handle may have broken off but the mug is still at the core, intact. If I glue the handle back on, it wouldn't be the same as before, but close enough. If I just choose to get a new one or make another mug my new favorite go-to, the chance to totally start over is there too. As for today, I just use it as a cup.
Alright, enough of the odd metaphor - I'm just going to summarize my 2020...
January - I flew back from spending the holidays with my family in New York and took the longest time yet to bounce back into my life in LA. Something felt off, everything seemed to be either broken or lost, and I felt the pressure of living in LA on my own behalf, rather than with the purpose of school like it had been for every previous January. I also had a rental car for most of the month as mine was still getting fixed, which was a whole new experience for me. January dragged on.
February - Back with my car and job opportunities picking up, I had my life back. It still felt pretty off though, and I felt that things were going to change by April (I was CLEARLY hoping for the better). There were a lot of signs and synchronicities within my life and I felt that the universe was trying to tell me something.
March - Right as everything was as normal as possible (but feeling off) in my life, I went figure skating at a rink in the Valley. I had been there a couple of times before and grew up skating, so it was something I greatly enjoyed. That day, a spur of the moment trip to skate turned into the nightmare that changed everything. I left my water tumbler on the side as I skated around, took some sips, and then immediately lost my mind and senses. I'm pretty sure I got drugged that day and ended up making it to the hospital. It was a nightmare that I am very thankful turned out okay, but this triggered a ton of anxiety, paranoia, and trauma. I found out at the hospital that I was very iron deficient and anemic too. Taking care of all of this while work began to shut down and the pandemic took over felt like my life was robbed and the world was ending. I flew back to be with my family and lost sense of reality.
April - Being with my family was amazing, but I'll admit - I was still dealing with a lot. I felt extreme anxiety flares and depersonalization. Every symptom rotated through. I was terrified and feeling more low than I had ever felt before. I realized how lonely I was in my normal LA life. I also found out that one of my roommates actually got COVID, which was additionally terrifying.
May - I began to get physically healthier, but mentally and spiritually speaking, it was still a major work in progress. Taking every day moment by moment, I went on this emotional ranging rollercoaster, but had a great time with my family nonetheless!
June - May and June blended, but I think this was about the time that I watched too much TikTok, started going on daily walks, and began to learn more about going through a spiritual awakening, which definitely made sense of the ongoing symptoms and weird happenings I was going through.
July - I turned 23, began vlogging occasionally again, and started questioning when I would be back in LA while really enjoying being back with my family in New York. There were occasional auditions to film and it seemed as if the world wasn't really ending, just shifting. I learned a ton of new acting and marketing skills through Zoom training and really got into music - especially learning the piano, guitar, and mixing programs like Garageband and Logic Pro X. I began writing new music that I hope to release one day as an album from quarantine.
August - More music, walks, family time, Wii golf, filming, and bike rides pursued as I began to get more potential opportunities in LA. It was comfortable where I was but I was excited to be back. At the same time, I was afraid to go back and have to take care of myself, because I no longer believed that I could. Even when all was fine and normal in the world, I still got really dangerously low on iron, without even realizing it! Anxiety and fear got triggered out of almost nothing, so the idea of going back sounded nice but too terrifying.
September - More learning and healing had taken place, but opportunities called and I figured that after six months away from my LA life, I should go back. It didn't make sense, yet it felt so right. It wasn't supposedly as scary as I thought it would be, so I flew back a little after my brother's birthday. The first project that got me back did not go as planned though, and with the horrible air quality, fiery skies, and stricter COVID guidelines than I was used to, the fear and anxiety came back. Yet, something felt right about being back, so I stayed and took it moment by moment.
October - This was debatably the longest month of the whole year, but things slowly got better. I was working again, being on sets, auditioning, and getting fun readings on WeAudition that proved that I am an actress who knows what I am doing. I deserve this life path and I recognized a lot of the positive growth this year has had. It felt nice having a sense of my old normal life back in new, better ways. I got a few songs together and finally felt like if life can fall apart as much as it did this year and get back to what it was even to this level, then anything is possible. I also quit fear, which is a really great thing to do! Just push it aside and stay focused on the positives.
November - This month flew by in comparison to October, but with good reason! I had a better sense of self, a greater mindset, and still the life I had before but with more newfound confidence and strength. Working worked in abundance, my health felt great (mostly), and I realized that I truly love my life and who I am. Filming again, being on set, working parties, sharing inspiration, and living a life of my dreams has been amazing! Even though dreams keep changing and growing as we do, it was nice recognizing that a younger version of me would think that modern me is living it up the best way possible. I'm here to be happy and share light and love.
December - Well, this is where we are, but so far, it has been pretty good! I'm trying to focus more on self-care and balancing work/life while staying as healthy as possible, but again - it's all a learning process. I'm actively choosing positive mindsets and listening more to what I really need. Finding the magic within has truly been inspiring and I am finally able to be myself, unapologetically, create art/music to inspire others, and enjoy life every moment to the fullest!
Looking back, it has been the year of transformation, but I choose to see the good from it rather than all of the bad. Yes, there was a lot of negative in it, but what good does focusing on that do? Happy endings are really up to our perspective. At least, that's how I choose to see it.
If you would like to share about your 2020, I would like to hear about it! Feel free to comment or tweet me @sarahfhamilton.
Best Wishes,
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